Happy stomachs. Revisited past. Heartwarming convos. Built dreams. Laughter shared. Sang souls. Crazy together.

Amazing day. Been so long since i had a day like this. Makes me feel that i can overcome every single obstacle in front of me. And that, i will be happy.

It's time, to release the ones from my hold. If they want to be there, they will be there.

Its sometimes amusing when i see people tweet or blog about the stuff that are so close to my heart. I would think that hey, at least there are people who understands me. Then, as i read along, somewhere or another i would find that the point that we are trying to explain is different. The meaning is different, the feeling is different, the force behind it, different.

I wouldnt say i am a particularly opinion less person since i do. I just dont verbalised it when i dont feel like it. That said, some people just bring that side out of me.

I believe that people will grow up, regardless of when. It may be some things that happened. Some might grow up, too fast i must say, when some things changed drastically overnight, and some, drifting along in life, might not have.

Being me, of course i would debate then, what does it mean by growing up? I can be 30 and still like cartoon, but that doesnt mean that i havent grown up. I probably just have a different view about life.

Sigh, there i go again contradicting myself again, but i just cant stand being so so damn narrow, my choice of word here, and not being able to analyse.

I was chatting  with mumsy the other day about singapore as my home in general. Chatting is a mild term when the chat progresses into an argument when the mumsy is attacking my every statement. Then i told her that in every case, i can view the situation from two differing stands and argue for whichever stand i have to. That doesnt mean i agree with it. Being able to argue passionately does not equate that to my stand. So essentially she has nothing to worry about and that shut her up.

Having to do something doesnt mean i have to like it or agree with doing it. You just have to weigh and think if doing it ties in with your principles or does it violate any of them. If no, then think of why you do it then or why the thought occurred to you.

It must be there, for a reason.

Not been using my brains for so long to really stimulate it. I missed the thrill of adrenaline rushing through my brains, the sounds of my brain wheeling hahahaha too literal, and the high when my brain refuses to stop turning.

I like that. Even though my brain tends to go into overdrive and burns itself out, i feel accomplished.
Been relying too much on people, on luck, on fate and on sheer faith. I think i have too much faith sometimes for gods sake. Well, everything will work out someday. And that that some day will come one day. And finally we will get to this one day. And finally actually is a short period.

Hope.faith.belief. That, and excitement and the thrill of unexpected, unknown danger that is not dangerous. LOL.

I hate second guessing myself. Apparently im really bad at those, like for example in mcq my first answer would probably be the right one since my second answer is definitely wrong no matter if the first one is right or not.

Second guesses made me question myself. Was i wronf in thinking that way? Unease, awkward even in my own skin. I dont like that. Its hard to let people who hurt you back in.

Politeness and hypocrisy is after all, just divided by a line.

On the other hand, i had another dream. And in ny dream, i can swim. Out of frustration, anger, and mixed emotions i swam!!! I can still remember feeling so amazed in my dream that i can swim and i think i swam 18472847171 laps. The stupid girl said "wah even in your dream you never forgot your innate inability to swim" cause i told her occasionally i still feel suffocated and terror at drowning. Lol its not innate unability ok. I should be able to swim if the bro didnt try to drown me when i was young.

But i feel relieved, when the dream ended. It was like the end  which again the stupid girl thinks otherwise. "The beginning", she says. We'll see.

It's a wonder how much our subconscious reveals  our thoughts. The deepest abyss of our raw honest thoughts.

The week has been good with people i enjoy being with mostly. Filling up my time with outings because i will definitely miss that. Being able to go just for the sake of going out cos i hate having nothing to do.

Feels like im being judged again but who cares.. LOL i should get used to it since i will always be so. Because those who love will always understand. And those who know will always believe.

"It takes something special for you to be yourself in front of people. Some are born loving me, some because they are worth it so i shared, but some do so without. Those are the people i should cherish."

Thankful for those who looked right at me, and thank you for loving me. With all my flaws and annoyance and whatsoever.

Today i was watching my drama again, and it mentioned about lightyears. So it got me thinking again, time=distance?? I used to think time travelling was possible because when we travel from one country to another, we are moving in time, be it back or forward. How cool would that be.

I dont do tellings cause i wont know what others thonk as well. All i know is it doesnt matter once you think it through. Omce you find out that what is worth it and what is not worth it. It doesnt matter because i know if they want to be there, they will be there. And i cherish them for them, for that. I cant unlove someone, true that. Love once given, is given freely without strings. I cant choose who to love, but i can choose how to love.

So i was watching yu le the other day and saw angela back on it recently. Being curious about her cause she was like the first gen of idols i know from mvp valentine which i sneaked out of  bed to watch it for the last episode. LOL so anyway that episode has Gillian chung on it too so i got quite curious about her too.

So then i watched another episode about only gillian and i noticed like for one thing she's really quite cool towards the fans. And that she doesnt do much people interaction.

So my thoughts were that maybe the scandal did more than destroying her reputation. It destroyed the trust she had for people especially her fans. I mean i know human are capricious by nature, but idolising someone to maybe a crazy extent, then realising that they are also human, has a less than nice effect on them. Those people, without knowing her how she was like as a person who painted this perfect picture, was disappointed, outrage, cheated and turned against her. Biggest fans to biggest haters. To her, she lost that support she had, fell down into this slump that even the strongest finds it hard to come out from.

Coupled that with the destroyed self esteem, i think she practically lost almost herself. Caught in a situation caused by your own foolishness, one that destroyed her everything, what can she do? Blaming anyone, anyone at all, doesnt help shit.

So i thought she was really strong. To crawl back out. To start again new. What i didnt get is why she decided to make her return in showbiz. To make it as an idol, honestly, fans are your everything. You got to have this innate talent or shine to attract people to you and like you. And you got to work gard in keeping the love for you. They are the ones who determine your fate. When you lost the trust in them, you lose their trust too. You lose the quality of likability to them. Without those idolisation, you can practically amount to nothing.

1. Maybe she needs to pick up where she fell. That, i feel is like the super number one way to heal. Regaining your confidence where you lost it. You find it back, you find yourself back. You basically dont feel like a loser.

2. Maybe she doesnt have anything else that she could do. Which i highly doubt it's possible.

So, i am assuming she is because of no.1, picking herself back up where she fell and i totally admired her for it.
Cause i know that it's damn hard, and its damn degrading and it takes hell of a load of courage. You have to deal with all the criticisms, all the pointings, all those bloody damn whispers. I absolutely hate that. If you have anything, just say it straight out.

And i really hope she succeeds and  finds a way back esp through acting cause.. she really cmi in singing. LOL

How does it feel, when the whole world not only feels like its against you, they are actually against you? It must be so so terrible that i cannot even remotely imagine.
Terror. Alone. In despair.

We are all so bloody superficial, caught up in our own miseries that we fail to see the world drowning before us.

There's so much more i could say, and i could do but i chose not to do it. Does it hurt less trying to not let it affect you, or doing everything you can to salvage it?
Does it then, make you more if you chose not to let it affect you, or trying your best to save it?

I once taught a person about contentment. Being grateful enough for all that you have, and not want more. The search for happiness will usually ends up in more tears and misery.

Unexpected, happiness, expection, disappointments. Look at this. And tell me you dont think this is a vicious vicious cycle.

I could totally say fts, but i wont because i know i wont.

Could i only survive on You alone? You, who places me all above everything else. I look to it as a salvage, a log in the middle of the rough seas.
But i can't. I understood that there are people who are born wanting more, needing more. What i didnt realised is how i was staring at myself in the mirror. That, and cloaking myself in dignity.

Hanging on to that, hanging on to love, and hanging on to me.

You dont have to strike back after youre hurt. Being hurt doesnt make you less than one who inflicts the hurt. It makes you more.

That said, i dont let anyone who hurt me into my  heart. Once bitten, twice shy.
And im no one'a second choice, not now. Not never.

So i figured i really should get down and complete the amazing travels at Spain before i got to uploading them on facebook, but then now i think i kinda forgot most of the stuff i originally wanted to share. Sigh max.

Kay anyway, after La Alhambra and the big hoohaa while freezing my ass off, we stayed at cordoba ac, being mad shag and all, i only registered the similar hotel layout, and the very nice red wine with awesotastic bread, trust me on that, warm and fluffy inside and crispy out, yummmz.

Woke up bright and early AGAIN the next morning, visited the Cordoba Cathedral - La Mezquita, on a rainy morning and there was mum and i, squeezing in one pathetic brolly, so i had to rely on the holey beanie. -___-

This is encrypted: ***

Scattered thoughts, distracted me.

Hectic week, so much that i can't even make sense of what i am feeling. But one i know for sure, is when it feels like im drowning, i found a log. I spilled my guts out. And it secures me as much as it could.

As quoted,  "i become a person i like best, when i'm with them."

& i know it in my gut that there's this connection that couldnt be explained, but just felt.

Just finish the stupid drama that i've been chasing OMG the ending is stupid and version two is even more annoying.  LOL WHADDAYA MEAN BY SHE DISAPPEARS WHEN SHE WALKRD INTO THE SEA ?!

But okay tbh all endings seem like crap since i dont want xuanxuan to die LIKE WHY MUST SHE DIE ITS SO BLOODY UNFAIR. Not saying that the meimei must die in stead of the sissy la, but its so bad already knowing when youre gonna die and then the meimei is so caught up in her own emotions. LIKE WHAT THE HECK CAN YOU BE MORE CONSIDERATE. And i know the meimei loves the sissy but its so annoying when she displays all her emotions outfront like everybody should be noticing while the sissy has to be the one trying to protect the meimei while arranging her happiness.

But okay la, i geddit that once she calls you sissy, you have a responsibility to take care of her until you/she die. LOL.
BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I DONT FEEL XUANXUAN. STUPID XP, WHY MUST YOU INFECT XUANXUAN. ARGH

Suddenly feeling more and more pissed about the drama like why cant they let xuanxuan live or some miracle to happen. NOT AS IF IT IS REAL LIFE RIGHT, JUST A DRAMA. CANNOT MAKE THE VIEWERS HAPPY MEH.

Right k can i need to get some sleep if not ill rage for another @83718471818482 hours

I gave it all up, when i gave you up. Days when memories floods in. It doesnt rest, it doesnt stop. It reminds you of all that you have lost.

In a way, i think it taught me that love hard while you can. Because once its gone, its gone forever.

Days where everything single thing reminds me of you. I always said why is it possible that you can be reminded of this person so much when you claim that you dont even?

I thought i deserved to be loved. I was, but i gave that up. I didnt understand the meaning of love. To love, is the greatest gift of all. So why is it that bloody hard?
If its meant to be, is it possible to get rid of it?

the idea of love imo, is something once given, given freely and yours.

Magnetism, ill give you that. But keep my head in the game, my life revolves around me and my own.

Love can never be too much. It can never be erased, forgotten nor abandoned.

I prayed before, and i prayed again. Life and death is inevitable, but it can be prolonged. For life, brings happiness.
A deal remains a deal.

Gunbound the whole day with the musketeers. Omg gunbound has changed so much now theres so many haxxors and items, pets, avatars. Its like my dmg only 100plus and then their dmg is 7k+.
What sorcery is this?!?!?!

The mumsy is kinda raging plus i was starving so i told her i cant walk alr and camp in front of the laptop playing gunbound instead hehehe.

Simple joys in life makes me happy. The more you need, the lesser you get. Because then it will always be not enough.
A lot of people can make me happy. That said, those people can make me sad. Some, which they dont deserve to. So its up to me, to decide who.

#1 宁愿自己痛，也不愿说出让自己不开心的理由。不愿把事情说穿，不愿承认自己的失败。
There i said it out, there lies the cryx of the problem. I was putting up the signs yes. Becos i dont want you to get closer. Becos i would hurt because i know i would be the choice. It freaking hurts. No co flict of interest, but thats just me. I need that.

#2 因为已经打开新房了。不能当作不在乎，也不应该 。说服自己爱，是足够的 。

#3 the need to be the only one. Thats all i ever wanted. 心是痛得，好像不能呼吸。

#4 i am exceptionally good at one thing- hiding my emotions.

Had such a high two days with the girlie girls. K sesh throating grabbing major k fest and then uss today screaming and singing at the top of my lungs on the rides. Totally my type of stress relieving. It gives me so much more adrenaline and endorphines than chocolate which is not really that nice. LOL.