Jump! Jump! Jumping Jumping Jumping up. It's a mixture of two songs, but anyway i'm super happy 'cause it's FINALLY the end of exams.

Don't wanna think of the results nowwwwww. But enjoying the feel of nuaing at home, slacking, WATCHING MY DRAMA.

But actually, nuaing doesnt seem as nice when you don't have something pressing :(

But i dont care i'm still gonna just nua and nua and nua on maaaaaa bed. For today.

Sometimes i wonder what would happen if i didnt meet you.

Been doing alot of wondering today.

Would the situation be the same? Or would i be less critising?

They always ask why, and how. But i really dont know.

What are memories without feelings?

Heh.

I stopped trying to forget and instead wait.

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If its gonna end up as nothing.

Im sooo bored studying but honestly ive only been through 2 slides.

Honestly, clinical chem is not that bad. Im not trying at a half hearted attempt to convince myself i should stuff all my effort.


It really is isnt bad. Like if you look at it from another way. From the way how we will know about the diseases in our body. But!!!!! i really dont understand the notes cos firstly, sorry im not listening in class. But it really does take up so much of my concentration and brain power to tryna understand what he is saying. He's just not cut for teaching. And secondly, the sentence structure in the notes really suck.

Sigh.

It doesnt flow and the information are everywhere. Whyyyyy?

Daddy was tryna be cute last last night.

"Wah what my daughter doing.. studying?? wowwww"

Me: ignores LOL CONCENTRATING ON APPLIED IMMUNO.

After awhile..

"Wah very giddy leh see your notes. Words so small one.. "

walks out muttering, "eh she study very cheen stuff i dont understand " to mum. Hahahahahaha!!

and yes! applied immuno is over!! The paper was okay cos thankgod for the choose 2 out of 3. I didnt even bother to read about the hypersen cos it requires such a long answer. Drew a cute sheep and mouse but i dont think it looks like one hahahahahahahhha!! 

Watching extravagant challenge yesterday night and rushed til fifth episod today heh.

I like how siwon is super sweet in it.

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I gotta stop letting it affect me. 

i made a resolution to go back and visit you more often but i really dont know what elae to talk to you about.. its so much easier caring for someone than to communicate and sometimes i think i suck at it.

I miss having someone that i would stay up for late at night just to talk. I dont do that anymore. Dont know if its that im a lousy conversationalist or i get bored too easily or just a result of insecurity.

But back to the topic, i dont wanna lose you so soon. Yeah im worried but optimistic.

You make me question myself and i dont like it. Conflicting emotions cos' youre the rare few i can speak freely about and still be there no matter what.

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Yes i did. ;))))) today is such a nice sunday cos though im itching all over. Dont know if they are mossie bites but they are annoying. God. Its all over my legs. :(

Went for a long hike with fam and cousies!!! hahahhha had so much fun and then went for lunch at ten mile and groc shopping at giant. Simple happiness.

Then came back slept and ate and watched tv and pretended to study for half an hour before kfc arrives!!

Luv sunday dinner cos we can order whatever we want and watch tv!!!

Didnt watch running man and instead caught hulk on channel 5.

Im half madly in love with banner cos hes smart, considerate and gentle. I always admire those who has it and knows how to appreciate then those who worked hard and know how to appreciate. I guess thats cos i feel it takes more to realise what you have without any calamities.

Im still itching grrrr.

Been in a poor state of health cause maybe ive been sleeping late lately and taking doxycycline. Sigh. All drugs are indeed poison. Its supposed to help me but the side effects are so  AAAAAAArgh. I always hated taking meds and seeing doctors. I think i can count with one hand the number of times ive seen doctor when im sick.

So i was so proud that i vomitted right outside my house the other day. Hahahaha!!!

The nausea camr suddenly when i was on the train probably cos i took breakfast, malt candy and meds all in a morning. So i went to the toilet to repress the vomit. Haha i never vomitted before and am not gonna try. Well i did now.

Then i thought i was okay and helped a lady to carry her stuff across the road cos she just had a blood test and carrying a box of electronics on that arm. -.-

She seems shocked that i knew she had a blood test. *Proud*

okay bullshit. Then walked over to find daddy and thunder strikes*

dont feel like eating!!! omg. I was literally starving on the train. Ordered prawn mee and in the end daddy finished that up for me. Got lim juice to go cos i thought it will stop the nausea. -.-

Then dad wanna burn the incense papers so i went up without any keys thinking granny will be at home cos daddy carried my bag. And thunder strikes second time cos i was locked out and the reflux action just occurred.

My immediate reaction was wow i finally vomitted. Then was to call daddy hahaha.

Okay la. Fun story cos i was so excited.

Anyway i am so glad im capable of so much love. I love you so so much.

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Been preparing a presentation on homosexuality in the midst of all of my exams. Yes, suicidal i know.
Kinda regretted not studying during the weekends and instead comforted myself that i slept alot so i can sleep less this few days? A bunch of bull cos knowing me i'd still sleep like a pig. Oh well. It was a good rest. Think lack of sleep and the stress making everyone annoyed, sad, whatever, and me sensitive.

So apparently, after doing the presentation, i feel so strongly that i decided to write all my thoughts about the topic in case 
1. i forgot and i cant present on wed, since i'm not planning to prepare a script and
2. i kinda like to remember what i thought. LOL that sounds like i will forget my own thoughts. Not really. But i like to marvel at the details. 

So anyway, what is homosexuality?

The definite term is having romantic attractions towards people of the same gender but some defines it as your actions/ behaviours towards your sexual orientation.

And according to American Psychology Association, "In other words, someone does not have to be exclusively homosexual or heterosexual, but can feel varying degrees of attraction for both genders. Sexual orientation develops across a person's lifetime—different people realize at different points in their lives that they are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual." 

I like that definition.

Because you can be married and still be attracted to a same gender.

And it's not something new, because tadah! In ancient greek, there has been writings about pederasty, in which i think it is something that has gotta do with same male gender relationship. 

However, the difference is that the greek society did not distinguish sexual behaviour by the gender but by the role of each partner played, either dominant or submissive.

What i understood was that perhaps in the ancient greek society, a marriage is not between a male and a female, masculine and femininity, but instead dominant and submissive.

Masculinity and dominant are usually ASSOCIATED with the male gender, but they definitely do not equate to the male gender.

So maybe in the society, the gender does not matter, and the clear distinction arrives from the dominant and submissive social roles.

But in our society, masculinity, dominant, adulthood is so often associated with the male gender that we began to equate them.

Therefore, the social stigma exists when you do not go with the norm and you began to have romantic attractions towards people of the same gender.
This is where the cause of homosexuality comes into the picture and proves its importance.
The views of homosexuals are of weird, not normal, and people tends to shun those that are out of the norm. And moreover, homosexuals are associated with AIDS.

Havent done much research on the social stigma, but from everyone's understanding, there has always been a strong discrimination against homosexuals.

I shan't repeat how much i feel that is redundant 'cos i believe in free will.

So if the cause of homosexuality is proved to be not a case of a choice, but probably cause of genetics/environment, there is a high probability that homosexuals will gain wider social acceptance and protection against discrimination.

Often, people thinks homosexuality is a choice. I mean, come on, life is full of choices. But it was left up to a gay to argue, of cos he would say it's not. Why would you, make a choice that entrusts you to the judging eyes of the public, and the discrimination.

In stronger terms quoted from a website, "Why would anyone choose to be something that could cause them to be scorned by society, rejected by their families, deny them rights and subject them to possible violent hate crimes?
It may not be, but the choice to act on it, is.


So extensive studies have been made and some researchers with the use of twins have tried to prove that homosexuality is affected by genes, by environment. 

The National Mental Health Association says, “Most researchers believe sexual orientation is complex, and that biology plays an important role. This means that many people are born with their sexual orientation, or that it’s established at an early age.”There is an interesting study made on a pair of twins, Patrick and Thomas. They were both born by the same womb, fed, changed, educated similarly, but there was a significant difference between them. 

According to the article, 

''Patrick is social, thoughtful, attentive. He repeatedly addresses me by name. Thomas is physical, spontaneous, a bit distracted. Just minutes after meeting me outside a coffee shop, he punches me in the upper arm, yells, "Gray punch buggy!" and then points to a Volkswagen Beetle cruising past us. It's a hard punch. They horse around like typical brothers, but Patrick's punches are less forceful and his voice is higher. Thomas charges at his brother, arms flexed in front of him like a mini-bodybuilder. The differences are subtle - they're 7-year-old boys, after all - but they are there.When the twins were 2, Patrick found his mother's shoes. He liked wearing them. Thomas tried on his father's once but didn't see the point.
When they were 3, Thomas blurted out that toy guns were his favorite things. Patrick piped up that his were the Barbie dolls he discovered at day care.
When the twins were 5, Thomas announced he was going to be a monster for Halloween. Patrick said he was going to be a princess. Thomas said he couldn't do that, because other kids would laugh at him. Patrick seemed puzzled. "Then I'll be Batman," he said.
Their mother - intelligent, warm, and open-minded - found herself conflicted. She wanted Patrick - whose playmates have always been girls, never boys - to be himself, but she worried his feminine behavior would expose him to ridicule and pain. She decided to allow him free expression at home while setting some limits in public.
That worked until last year, when a school official called to say Patrick was making his classmates uncomfortable. He kept insisting that he was a girl.'' Link: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2005/08/14/what_makes_people_gay/?page=2

So what went wrong? They were just kids. 

No one knows yet, and i don't. But what i feel is that, perhaps not everything comes down to a choice. What if some things were meant to be that way? You can't fault a kid for being him. 

From my understanding of the article, there is a high chance that he will have a different sexual orientation than other kids his gender. 

But even if it is a choice, if it's not a choice. They didn't make it, they made it. It's theirs. So who are we to judge? I really hate discrimination. If research studies to prove that it's not their choice, no matter how screwed up that reasoning is, helps them to be accepted into the society, i'm all for it. 



Because why must we prove something just to release them from so called choice, and seen as mistake in our eyes, when we cant deem what a mistake is? A difference from the norm? A unique out of the many? Being different doesnt mean that it's wrong.

And oh no, i gotta finish up the ppt by tonight and my cheatsheet for biostat. Abrupt end, but all my thoughts ended that way. 

I dont know if its good for me to have absolute no fear towards new places, new people. Shy yes, but i dont seem to feel they will do anything bad. Not that im stupid cos im smart enough to protect myself but then i dont know. Im going in circles.

I love that place more than i ever did in all my years in sg.

I was almost alone, but im still happy. I love that it has such beauty, such warmth and i love that i met such nice people there.

Makes me feel that sometimes when people complain about their predictment i would always wonder if they tried hard themselves.

Then that's judging of me cos it may be that im really lucky. I cant wait to travel again. Because its the only time i feel alive. Im not afraid to get lost cos i dont believe you can get lost if you have a mouth, money or a map. I kinda like the thrill and secretly hope for an adventure.

I like to find my own way, and i like to meet new people. People of all walks and lifes.

I kinda miss the me when i was there for three months. I took lots of pictures and im glad i did. Scrolling through them reminds me of the memories, of my happiness. I forgot about the hard times.

I think this is the best example of "everything hurts. You just gotta find the one thats worth it"

And this defintely is.

Found my center again. I guessed i got tired of giving my all, giving my best for awhile. But i wont give up. I cant. I just dont.

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Aren't we all just floating like planks in a big big ocean?
It's a big bad world out there.

How do you explain what you don't understand? How do you express what you don't know you are feeling? How do you communicate?

I wished i could read minds.

Happy 47th birthday, Singapore. You may love the country and not the people, not the government. But just how does a country survive without its people and a government?

I don't say what i don't mean. And when i do, i don't explain. Think whatever you want, i don't wish to care anymore.

Because at the end of the day, even if it hurts, you wait for the moment when it stops, when it doesnt matter anymore.

Everything has the capability to hurt, because to really appreciate life, heart is the one used to feel, to communicate and to give. Pity that what's fragile not the heart but the people. The heart still beats.

What's worse? A crushed soul or a broken heart?

I miss my sea. I need some water time, or bury myself in books.

My tolerance for shit is getting lower. So freaking easily irritable but with reason.

Seriously, don't treat me like 12, if not i'm gonna act like one. Similar, ACT FREAKING YOUR AGE BEFORE DEMANDING ME TO TREAT YOU THE SAME. It goes both way. Everything does.

Urgh, today was.. weird for me. Realised so many things and said so much, but expressed so little.

Angry cos' you're always shielding. I cant do naught bout that, and you don't realise that's not a good thing.
Sad cos' it's always the same o' story. I'm always feeling.
Disappointed cos' i realised something that has been staring right in my face so long. It's harder confiding then being there for someone for me. Still learning.
Tired cos' it's a long race and i'm not even halfway through and i'm spent. I need time alone again.

Best friends are about giving in to make each other happy.

It's about how well you know the person.

It's about not even judging becos you know her so well and the other scenario is totally impossible.

No hesitation.

Becos she know me, she worries more about my reputation than i do. Cos she knew i wouldnt explain myself.

Words of a best friend that touches straight deep in your heart.


I'm glad i found mine, and along with the rest. Even though im not the best at conversing.

I'm so happy today, and i want to be tomorrow, the day after and days ever. Not impossible.

Love is a gift that is given freely. No strings attached.

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“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

-Mother Teresa

I try to be nice. Sometimes it's hard, but i'll still try. BUT I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT. So when you need something you'll just do your own thing irregardless of what others need? Feel like i'm throwing a major bitch fit but i dont like it when people pull such stunts. It is really damn irresponsible and not nice altogether. Well, you just failed to mention that tiny part. ._.

Now i think i always think the nicest of the people around me, and hell sometimes i'm so wrong. Some people just dont friggin care.

Disappointed pissed, and feeling bad again cos im making a fuss out of nothing! But hey it is something. Argh.



Like like like the song cos' it makes me happy.

Im tired of asking when so now im gonna get used to it. I dont wanna feel insecure, feel thay im lacking and i am not. So no one can ever ever make me feel that way.

Just remember good things dont last, of cos bad times doesnt.

If you want it, work hard for it and acknowledge the hardwork. If you didnt get it, be sad, but move on.

Bad times dont last, only you yourself can pull yourself out of it. Ultimately i think everyone would, its just a matter of time. So dont be stupid, take the time in to reflect and center yourself and dont stay down for more than you need.

Life is so much more. I have so much more in life to enjoy. This is just one of the windows ive peeked it. One day, ill leave it and open another, bringing with me the knowledge and the even more precious memories.

I think memories are what makes the brain special. I really wanna screw education but i wont cos knowledge is wealth but in any case, memories is what matters.

If you got a lifetime of memories. You are no doubt the wealthiest man on earth. To retain those memory, i think there's a bridge to cross in your hypothalamus and if that bridge collapses, you will get short term memory.

I read it somewhere from a book but i dont remember the exact terminologies.

Cant wait for the exams to be over so i can enjoy my life again. Meanwhile, one down 5 to go!

Determination and stamina over this one month.

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