Argh so freaking annoyed cause i wanted my exams to be over so bad so i can get on with my life but no, it has to be tomorrow and im already half in holiday mode and totally dont feel like studying so all in all im just annoyed at myself.

Mantra for june: 要看见彩虹必须忍受一点雨。

The calendar from dorr's mummy at the back of our door is so good at reminding us about life. Raining so bad. Lets hope i see a rainbow tmr right after the exam. I reckon id high til im crayyyyy. :/

Seriously needa mug. Sigh why

Queen of procrastinator definitely goes to me! Hurray zz i'm kdding. Supposed to be studying cause exam is tomorrow, (READ: HORROR), but i havent done any productive studying yesterday and today. But i was busy writing down a story that i dreamed the whole of night/morning(I slept at 4am), probably through a very long cycle of my rem sleep. (That's psyc, i AM learning).

And i managed to finish the first part of my story. *throws confetti* Pretty happy with this one, but i'm not sure how would it end, considering all my previous stories is just the introduction and nothing else LOL. Maybe someday i would take it and continue it idk. We'll see. But it lacks alot of expansion cause i have the story in mind, but i dont have the time to expand it, damn.

A tiny part of it. ---

"Why do I have to wear this? It doesn't even looked like it's anything! It's just a swatch of cloth." She complained as she carried the miserable excuse for a dress to the dressing room.

"Trust me, you'll look fabulous." What he didn't tell her was that he spent days drawing the sketch until he was cross eyed, and had it made by the best dressmaker, only fitted for her.

She draped it over her head and watch it settle. Then sucked in a breath. Ooooh.

Enchanted, she walked out of the dressing room. Snap. Before his fingers fell limply off the button.

"Ho.." Nothing was coming out, so he cleared his throat and tried again. "How was it", with a forced smug smile that turned out like a grimace.

Was wallowing in self inflicted misery cause i am so shrinking from the lack of human interaction. ._. Then i started watching invincible youth while i study wtf. And i realised that i read too much of fourfeetnine's dayre until i kept using wtf too -_______-

So hard to remain positive. Self chanting my 8 words holy mantra, and pushing away bad thoughts. Then i thought i should wallowing in the stupid misery i nearly drowned myself and get out.

Self repaired, self healed, good as new.

Every time I thought that I should stop writing all my thoughts, I would find a thousand reasons why I shouldn't. Those thousand reasons still exist. But today I found one, that i would remember for life, to not stop.

I'm still learning.

Sometimes I forget that I've been through certain thought processes and I kind of forgot that I already knew how to deal with certain stuff. I absolutely love rereading my old writes. It lets me relive my memories, and I really like how I was so descriptive in the past. Got lazier now, it seems like I either have more stuff to do, or just lesser time to write. But everyone has the same amount of time, it's how you use it. Time will never be an excuse. If it matters, you'll always have time, isn't it? 

I miss the days in states, I can never get over how much. It was worse in the earlier days when I first returned to sg, I'm always comparing and comparing. Then I realized, all hose comparison is making me miss the states more, and I'm not going back, not anytime soon anyway, so why am I making myself sad? 

I need books. I need time. Purely free time and not just a few hours a day which I give myself as a freaking reward from studying. Time when it feels like I've all the time in the world. Time when I don't have to think. Time when I don't have to worry. Maybe time when I can finally be just me. So maybe, I need some me time. 

And the reason why I don't have it now, because I've been too free with my time. Need to be a little more selfish, more determined, and stop being a yes. 

Jack Johnson never gives up. He'll go down fighting with a bang, like he always did. And he faces the world, unafraid.

Every time I thought that I should stop writing all my thoughts, I would find a thousand reasons why I shouldn't. Those thousand reasons still exist. But today I found one, that i would remember for life, to not stop

I'm still learning.

Sometimes I forget that I've been through certain thought processes and I kind of forgot that I already knew how to deal with certain stuff. I absolutely love rereading my old writes. It lets me relive my memories, and I really like how I was so descriptive in the past. Got lazier now, it seems like I either have more stuff to do, or just lesser time to write. But everyone has the same amount of time, it's how you use it. Time will never be an excuse. If it matters, you'll always have time, isn't it?

I miss the days in states, I can never get over how much. It was worse in the earlier days when I first returned to sg, I'm always comparing and comparing. Then I realized, all hose comparison is making me miss the states more, and I'm not going back, not anytime soon anyway, so why am I making myself sad?

I need books. I need time. Purely free time and not just a few hours a day which I give myself as a freaking reward from studying. Time when it feels like I've all the time in the world. Time when I don't have to think. Time when I don't have to worry. Maybe time when I can finally be just me. So maybe, I need some me time.

And the reason why I don't have it now, because I've been too free with my time. Need to be a little more selfish, more determined, and stop being a yes.

I dont know. It doesnt seemed to natter anymore. How you feel like money is everythibg. I dont and never want to feel like that. Im fine w my life as it is now. Why do we always seem to have so many differences that seemed to matter so much.

This slipped down from my board when i was trying to get something else.

I'm actually really supposed to be doing my written report (again), but i got distracted. Distractions are the best when you need your computer, and every other website out there looks more interesting than the damn microsoft word. Yes, even google. 

The crazy week is finally over, and it's soon gonna be replaced by another crazier week. 20% quiz on Monday and a 35% assignment due on the last day and in between all of this I need to really really start studying.

Was so overwhelmed on Thursday during observation cause it was the first time we went up to the nicu/picu to check on bedside patients. But whatever I have been expecting, it wasn't that.

You know the feeling when your heart clenches so bad, your eyes start to twitch like when you're chopping onions, and you suddenly became acutely aware of your surrounding? It's like when your blood flows all the way out and maybe to my brain and my skin tingles the entire time I was there.

Whatever is it that we are doing, I don't know if it makes a difference, but it's never enough. It's never gonna be enough because nothing can ever erase the memory of seeing your child on a hospital bed, fighting for her life. You fighting for her to live, for her to respond. I want to say that hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Because apart from hoping, there's nothing much to be done except to be there, while that fear is overwhelming.

Forcing myself to remember it, to think about it so I would remember why I do what I want to. Even when it's not enough. Remember that heart clench. Remember that hope is stronger than fear. And remember that people break when that hope is gone. Don't ever let anyone break.