Oh god. I'm unbelievable. Argh, feel so pissed at myself.

Excuses excuses excuses. Cause i'm feeling oh-so-sorry for myself and submerged myself in stupid dramas, and forgotten all about it.

You're right and i'm selfish. Always thinking of myself and super careless and forgetful. Even i myself dont even know what the hell my brain is containing at times.

How could someone be that forgetful and careless? ._.

I'm really getting bored out here. Cause everything from the distance, time and transport is a problemmmm. But really, when it comes down to it, it's the people.

I missed sending out a msg when i'm bored, and the next moment i know, i'm out.

It could've happened here. Just too sparse. Probably a lil more trust, a lil more faith, and a lil more luck.

But anyway, i love everyday's dinner and talking to Elaine while she prepares dinner.

I'm going out tmr. I mean it. The question is where..
But i will. The hell with safety and crap. I'll take care of myself and have fuuuuun.

Beaaaaach or downtown? Gonna finish all my work today!

Having ice cream in the kitchen while TRYING to finish up some work AGAIN. I'm always behind the schedule, somehow. I dont know how though.

Lots of stuff on thats making me think.. alot. Dont know how to feel, how to react and how to deal.

Being yourself is bullshit. Because that means hating yourself when you act on impulse. That's yourself right? What if you regretted?

But regardless, i'm still doing that. I just hated the hating myself part.

I'm always trying to find explanations. Explanations that made me feel better. Then i'll doubt them.

But i saw something on twitter and facebook that makes me happy today.


Facebook: I'm so super glad that you remain like you. I remember what you say before, and thought you were just kiddin. :) Proved me wrong and showed me how. Been so long sinc we've talked though.

Twitter: As a #Cancer remember that it's okay to be honest with the people who love you, even when your true feelings are not pretty.

So so true.

It's a home day today, cause Geraldine said it would rain. ._. I dont like my days being dictated. Probably first time, and the last. Kinda pissed over another matter but well, it's over.

Had dinner over at Golden Rooster City yesterday, wasnt as good as the ones in sg. And i especially missed dinner with mama and daddy cause i could order anything i want. So deprived of crab and prawn. Two of my favourites. This must be the longest i've went wihout prawn, and probably crab. I could have prawn every day back home. And my Chilli Crab and Crab beehoon. -.- I missed Putien and the Crab master Zhi char.

Mingled with so many profs, ph.d, post doc, and i'm so overwhelmed. Had fun chatting. Restricted. LOL.

Alright, maybe i'll bring bear out for a longggg walk!

I don't think I could ever deal well with m.t.s, ever ever.

Somehow.. Alright. I shall go finish up my work before continuing this post!

Just exactly why? It's not fair. Probably for the sake of humans, but why the hell do we get this privilege, to decide just because we want to live longer. Why us? Are we really making the world a better place, or are we just manipulating the world for our own dirty, selfish needs.

I don't think I could do it. Technically everyone could if they have to. But I don't want to. Call me hypocritical, I just can't watch, with both my eyes wide open without doing anything to help.

What the hell am I thinking? I don't know..

This is real. This is life.

Screwed me up so badly that I'm not concentrating. I made mistakes. I hated me, today.

Nothing's going right. But since when thing have gone alright?

Was to live life the way it comes and deal with it. Change things to make world a better place and spread happiness. That. Is. So. Freaking. Dumb. And. Naive.

Lost. It's always me. Can't show it, can't let out.

It's me yet i can't be me. Cause i'm rational enough to know i can't deal.

Hi, guess what. I'm at the kitchen table again, with all my papers sprawled all over the table and yet i'm blogging.

It's a monday yet holiday today cause it's Martin Luther King's Day and a federal holiday. Supposedly, he was a hero cause he promotes equality between the black and whites back here in US, but was unfortunately assasinated by a white. Poor guy.

Had a peaceful day today. Somehow when it gets quiet here, it goes peaceful. I dont have the need to go out and escape, somehow. Maybe it's the environment, maybe it's the place. Had a run this morning, which is the worst call i've probably made. ._. Had a fall, so i slammed the ipod on the floor as i went down. Sigh.

Came back, walked bear before starting on lunch. Had tuna ham salad and sweet potato for lunch, and watched hello baby t-ara the whole day.

I dont know, i still need people, but it seems peaceful enough.

Went for grocery shopping ytd, and was crapping with geraldine about cute guys. She's so real and cute, i like her. I guess you dont see much of these people around. I never cease to be amazed how certain people seemed to click with another.

Probably i needed that click, a little too much.

There's so many things i need to get, but i dont see them here, and i'm always getting the wrong things ._. Needa really work when im back in SG.

Watched A walk to remember on friday night, luv it to bits. Gonna get the book. For real. It's not always that i'll get a book. But i'll get this one. To remind me of the person i am, right at this moment.

Life's so fragile. I'll give you 5 years of my life if i could. Please be well.

&, i'll have to deal with that. D. G. T. Attached. When it's time, i won't bear to.

Oh and apparently I don't know how to transfer pictures from itouch to my laptop, I gotta do this!

Luv the app!

It was so easy to remember why, in the first place. None of these make sense to you, but it does to me. Encrypted.

You were everything i could ever wanted, perfect. But sometimes, imperfect is the real perfect. I don't think you're him.

Mixed emotions floods.

I know that it's impossible, but i cant help wondering why, how, maybes. I forgot how easily you could capture my heart.

I think i need to fill up my logbook, but i'm just sooooo lazy. :x and lazy to blog too. Just wanna listen to songs and slack. Wondering 'bout life, and how much courage it takes actually, to end your life, should you know you're about to.

Just watched criminal minds and it's so intriguing.

I still dont know what the hell i am interested in, partly because i need people, noise, and activities. But i need time, alone too.

Been quite some time since I blogged. Hahaha, have a long break before group meeting at 2pm. I really could get used to how easy life is here. But how hard would it take for me to adjust myself back in sg I don't know.

And I don't know if I do want research or clinical lab, considering that I kinda did both, as poly clinic and hospital is pretty similar, just different techniques and machines. No, at least at poly clinic you face patients everyday which is nice. :) I kinda like that more.

Research as I thought before, is boring cause I don't talk to many people, but at least I like what I'm doing. So I really dont know. Hmmm..

Went to the zoo on Saturday, it was such a crappy day cause of period. No chocolates and had to walk a lot and climbed hill. So when we reached the top of the hill, nearly fainted and feel so much like vomiting ._. Sat there like a stone for 30 mins? Before I could walk again -.-

But overall, it was fun especially if it's a bigger crowd or with dear, so we could just observe the animals we like and not rush anywhere! But yeah, it's good.

Had dinner with a few sg people studying in ucsd. :) had Chinese cuisine and I actually don't really missed it. Went ranch again and back home.

Went to utc again on Sunday! Holy cow, I spent almost 500 usd on a.e Abercrombie and hollister ._. In total. Which is unbelieveable. But there's some great deals. Loose baseball loosesleeved shirt for only 5 bucks! :)))))

Missed the bus by seconds and the second bus broke down. And I neglected to mention that the bus intervals are 30 minutes. ._. Guess how long did we wait?

Dinner was awesome!! Luv the salmon and the bread which I forgot the name. Elaine cooked rice again which is a success this time round!

I think I forgot to blog about Xmas and Xmas party!!

Went to friends on Xmas itself with family for Xmas dinner. Merlot taste pretty good. The whole dinner is up on Facebook. Went for a movie, sherlocks Holmes before that. I luv s.h soooo much. Finished the adventures on iBook and I just downloaded withering heights.

Had Xmas party on 26th! Woohoo! the food was awesome especially the asparagus bacon, crab salad and the chicken wing! :D

Played games and xmas gift xchange as per normal. Went a teeny weeny bit crazy during the games and Xmas gift change was annoying cos I couldve gotten something good and bro had to steal it from me -.-

I luv all my Xmas gifts this year ESP the opi set of shatter nail polish, the Crabtree and Evelyn body set, travel set and pouch. All super useful cause I'm travelling!

Then first aid course with rachie and bullee was fun and I missed it :( the lunch times and dinner nonsense. Liv the scarf they bought with Minjie and I'm totally using it now.

Had Xmas change with clique at airport. Baby was stupid enough to tell me she bought for me!

It went like this

'eh, so are we opening the present immediately? '

' I guess we could, if the other party requested. Like for example, if I want the person I'm buying for, to open hers.'

Baby: ' eh *turns to me* then I want you to open mine ' ._.

Luv the white scarf and the maroon beanie toooo! I'm just usin everything, cause its getting colder now :)

Fine I should go do some research do I don't look and sound like an idiot during the group meeting!

I'm in the kitchen now, tryna finish up all my work. Thought i didnt learn much, but hell, i'm writing essays. Alright, not THAT much.

How much your text mean to me. I miss my dear :( Sigh. A picture a day, keeps the memories always. Sounds weird, but i'm trying to make it rhyme. Heh.

I miss all of my friends too, especially those who knows who they are -_-
Okay, probably they don't. But yeah, you.

Even some of club people. :)

And my 小一，小二，小三。 I know you guys are worried 'bout meeee, but i'm fine　:)
Kinda nice to have a space that i can say all of these, regardless they see it anot.

And my gang for MJ, and my family. Yeah, indeed home is where the heart belongs. Really love it here, but unless everyone moves here, the roots in sg are too deep to unroot.

I really will take care of myself, and i will be back.

Biked to school in solitude today, and back. Which really is damn cool, cause the scenary and the whole foreign place feels good. I like the thrill of being in a foreign countyr, reminding me so much of Australia. What tops australia, is that i kinda feel at home here.

Went to Price Centre to mail my stuff, and if i ever were thinking where the heck are those hot cali guys, right. They are all in Price Centre during the evening.

Kay, i'm exaggerating again, but boy, were there some eyecandies. *twinkles*
Esp one blonde cute guy biking with a haversack.

Brought bearie love out for a walk after work. Guess we have a mutual understanding at least. Stopping when i say stop, and waiting patiently cause i wanted to take pictures. He didnt tug at the leash! Oh, he comes when i call. Probably sound weird when i talked to him, but i dont know, mama says i got this habit of talking to myself. Now i talk to dogs. I believe they will answer me. Gave bearie a good brush down after his walk/run, and ate dinner that Elaine prepared. They're really sooooo sweet cause i think sy mentioned that she likes rice, and they bought a rice cooker. I super fine with pasta, spag and linguine, and downright pleased with those. Had Lasagna yesterday, awesome tomato!

I really should get back to my work now. Oh, i'm learning guitar, again after my half failed attempts. Love the music, but my fingers are bloody short! WHY?! Gonna ask my 小三 if he will teach meee :) My goal is to learn more than words, but apparently i'm stuck at the first verse. ._.

Suddenly piano seemed so easyy.

I miss music.

Faced with such a problem again, this time round, Checkmate. Done deal for 3 months. Gonna remember my quote by heart.

At Revelle College right now, waiting for some work to be assigned to us. Feel so bored and sleepy. I hope it's the right decision, but anyway like I said, done deal and there's no looking back.

So far the days have been great and la jolla is pretty fantastic. Looking forward to learn more in the lab.

I miss my freedom in sg. If only i could find a way to mix them up.

Had a great day today, started out with waking up early to go to the beach. It's kinda a annual activity for la jolla, when everyone jumps into the ocean once the horn sounds. Pretty cute, come to think of it. There are people of various sizes, height, and colors.

Jack and Reilly went down and I tried the water by walking barefooted. It feels friggin good. I missed the sea, sand and beach. So it's cool that we could just cycle to the beach anytime.

Went back and decided to explore utc mall. I went crazy shopping with all the sales at Abercrombie hollister and American eagle. Saw Vic's secret but their sweatpants are all so huge :(

Had Froyo from yogen which probably pawns all Froyo in sg ._.

Rushed back, had a misconception about a man, :x and joined in the fun.

Got introduced to so many people that I don't remember their faces and suddenly I kinda forget how do I make conversation :(

I missed having loads of people to talk to, and I missed my own celebrations with mj, sg slings.

Love it here, but what could I do, if the home stays where the heart belongs?

Went out the backyard for sunset and saw the sky's full of stars, and I fell in love, all over again.

What can I do? Feel so torn.

Anw, was so tired that I fell asleep at 8pm now I'm so awake sigh.

Man, I'm really full now cause we had a fillibg breakfast of cereals, then had our lunch over at costco, pizza, churros and beef hotdog. Yeah, i ate beef today :( But i heard they're halal, jewishs or something, so i guess they dont torture the cows that much? Well, that doesnt mean i'm nice anyway :(

Yeah, but it's soooo good. Lady GAGA is on later on NY NYE's rock party countdown, which seems cool but i cant go :( Stuck in my bedrooooom.

Anyway, did some grocery shopping today with tuanlin and geraldine. So fun gossipping about reilly, or something. Which is that supposed super hot son(someone feels) in the house we're staying in, but i guess he's just okay. He probably has a girlfriend or something. LOL.

Then went back to tuanlin's house and chilled out for awhile. Albus is just sooooo cute!
Went over to Walmart again and shopped. Bought sme cards and that's about it. Had dinner over at Ranch 99, where the mixed vegetable rice is cheap, and yeah, damn cheap. like 1.3 usd per person? AND IT WAS LIKE ONE WHOLE CHUNK? Cant finish it even between me and sy, so we brought it back, which is kinda the culture over here.

Went back to an empty house and oh, i walked bear today! He was just so cute cause there were no one and i couldnt find his water dish, and he was looking at me with those puppy eyes, and i just had to get a dry food dish and put some water in there for me.

Apparently he doesnt know where the hell his water bowl is.

Back to then, played pingpong with Jack and Brooke in the morning, which is pretty cool. I suck at it.

Then pooled for awhile, i missed it. Before Jack and Elaine came back and when we were about to play pool together, the doorbell rang. Twice. Turns out to be just a prank by a drunk deliquent, and jack the hero and chased him. Said what, are you drunk? and the guy took off. Kinda eerie, cause the night is foggy and couldnt really see. Oh well, pretty exciting i guess.

uhmmm, going to the beach tomorrow and new year's celebration. Hope it wont be awkward and weird tomorrow. Crossing my fingers!!

SY is showering right now, and she refuses to let me eat Reese choco that we just bought :( What a meanie she is. So i'm emoing while watching the news, with an hr to a new year. HAH.

Sometimes I really don't know what the hell did I do, in my past life, to deserve all these love on my life. There are shit, but can be overlooked.

As I looked at their tired faces, I felt loved. Despite the idiotic timing, they came. I wasn't sure if I would, but now yes I will. For you I will.

Missing home all of a sudden, where the heart belongs to.

I'll be back soon, sooner than anyone of you realizes. Safe and sound so I can do my best to return that love.