My creative epiphany during bath time today. 

I wonder if there will be more inventions if people shower more often, since research has shown that your prefrontal cortex relaxes, allowing your dull and rigid brain to make new and creative connections, seeing things from a different perspective. 

No wonder sometimes I get so lost in my thoughts when I shower that I get so sick of 'thinking' but at other times, ie now, I find me so stupid for not seeing it when it was staring at me. 

My thoughts have been scattered all over the place recently and it has been difficult trying to make sense of it. Lots to think about which I hate - getting into loops and not being able to logically derive a solution. It’s easier to problem solve than to make decisions. So I did what I usually do, sweep it under the rug. But a recent conversation has forced me to dig it up. 

And I thought that I've thought it through. I knew it would be difficult. Empirical evidence has shown that love, time and effort do not guarantee the future. 

What I'm sure of is that I'm afraid to commit again. I even read about Paul the Apostle and wondered if I'm called. It's not fair to compare but I do wonder that if it didn’t work then, how could it work now? 

My heart still ached at the thought of the efforts put in to keep going. My heart broke when I had to make a decision. 

Therefore, I find myself swinging on the pendulum. But I forgot that sometimes in life, we have to make decisions. It’s easier to present the facts. Facts are logical. 

I guess in short, I have doubts because if it didn’t work then when we loved so hard, cared so much and put in all our efforts, I don’t have the courage to think that it would now. 

I like to think that I’ve grown in age but also in experience. But with experience comes fear. And fear is not logical. Identifying the problem doesn’t solve my problem. 

Maybe it will all be better. Maybe, God will make the decision for me. After all, we place all plans in his hands.

—

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. 

What God didn’t tell us was how difficult it is. But narrow is the gate the heaven and wide is the gate to hell. 

—

I realised I’ve been so caught in my pursuit of efficiency to get to the outcome and result, that I forgot about the journey. 

Today, someone asked me,

1. What if the good plans that God meant for you are not the ‘good’ plans that you have in mind?

2. What would you do if something catastrophic happen to you tomorrow? 

I guess it depends whether I can understand the good plans that God has for me - which meant that I have to look for the joys/ positivity in those plans no matter what they are. 

If one can’t, then one has to believe that God has our interests at heart and we would have to just follow him with faith. 

But then someone asked again, what about happiness and contentment? What if i’m not happy with the plans although I follow His plans? 

Another person shared that he adjusted his expectations and hopes, to be contented with what he has. 

I think it’s about the journey. The journey will bring you more joy if you look for it. The pain during growth may be bittersweet. The words of wisdom that you may find. And ultimately, hope. 

Because hope always whispers, one last try. 

Thank you for reminding me about hope tonight. Thank God for listening to my prayers last night about not being understood.