I cant believe im feeling this way, and no, i dont trust myself.

A new year, a new start?

End of xmas celebrations, start of the new year's. Never really like new year since it is so close to xmas and  the meaning of a new year never really got to me. About the resolutions and syuff cause heck it, half of the time i dont remember and three quarter of it i dont make them. You dont need a new year to change.

But it really is a new year for me onwards next year and i wonder what it brings me. Trepidation, instead of excitement. Sigh. Must be the mood im in.

Feel so damn shag that my eyes are really half close like i am this morning. From 20dec to now which is just the morning of 29 dec it feels like a month to me. Just 9 days straight. I dont think i spent a quarter of the time at home, and less of it sleeping.

All of it will make me miss more, appreciate more, cherish more. I hate it, but im thankful for that. So let's go the second round for new year then chinese new year. And everything will change.

Shag until i dont wanna think anymore, not analysing not anything. Let it be and be it all for the best. 

'Tell me princess, when did you last let your heart decide?' A whole new world- Aladdin

Christmas was so lovely this year. Perhaps especially more since im going to leave next year. Perhaps more because i felt so much more.

Merry christmas, and happy happy boxing day. :)

#Nowplaying- enchanted

So accustomed to waking up early that now im waking up automatically at 8.

This week is hectic and crazy fun filled. Hectic until im so afraid that i might miss/ forgot something important.

On another note, i guessed things are pretty cleared up or as clear as it could be. I tried to make you understand even though..
I dont have to defend myself simply because theres no need.

Ah well christmas is coming and i haven't got any shopping done. Its gonna be a mad scramble for gifts again this year.

#nowplaying- Enchanted

Adam young's response is just so cute.

My thoughts are is such diarray that i cant even begin to understand. Without someone to really talk to, i write.

I guess actually no matter what ill still write. Because here then there's no silent disapproval, no judging stares, no worries no cares, and no hurt. I need somewhere to dump all these dump to.
I cant say sorry because i dont know why should i be. I dont know how to make it better. Im an idiot for not thinking. I shouldve because i had, ive known, seen, felt, sensed.

'Fairytales are for the young, the very naive, and the very, very fortunate'

pity we all still believe in them.

It's been so long since I indulged in a long and good post. That and a thought provoking one. Time flies recently. And I'm left with less than 3 months before I leave.

People are so complex, and sometimes we say things that we don't mean,thinking that the others know that we don't. But they don't. Because 'when the truth gets hard to take, we start believing the lies'.

I used to think that if you know me, you should believe in me, and the things that I would do, wouldn't do, would say and wouldn't say. I still do. Though it's not in me to hurt intentionally when I say something I don't mean, I think I still did sometimes.

So many aspects of my life that I should be analyzing about, thinking of what I could have done better and what I could have done more but I don't feel like doing all those. Time is slipping by and every moment wasted is a moment I can never get back.

That is why I don't waste any time in doing anything I want. But I am wasting time, if deciding to or not takes longer. There's been lesser time for myself and my books since I started working cuz the every single day I am interacting with people. It makes me tired sometimes, when I don't feel like it when I needed time alone. Everywhere seemed to be filled with people. I can't think with people around, I feel. So I'm feeling confused because I'm interested when I shouldn't be.

Anyway Nelson Mandela passed away on the 5th Dec. I didn't know him and i feel like I missed out on this great man. When someone dies, every thing they did will be magnified. He made a difference and I chanced upon this quote of his

'I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ' 

This is so so so true. I can never put it as accurately myself as he did. Even mommy and daddy doesn't understand that when I say you can't fear this is what I meant. I said can't, but that doesn't mean that you don't. You just can't let it overcome you.

It will be stupid if you don't fear after all. Fear is what make us strong. I once read about this genetically modified super human who can't feel fear. Fear is not an emotion that he knows. It works for him in some, but in others, he has to learn to fear, that is when he recognize danger.

But apart from all of these deep musings, my life is cool right now. Just had captains ball yesterday, I really really like team sports. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins even though I didn't help much cause this girl was blocking me throughout. Sigh. 

It's the twinnie's bday today so YAY to the world but I have to wait for one more week before I can watch heirs again. Sigh. Life is so complicated hahahahahha 

There's a lot going on right now, or so it seems. Which may be my recessive worrisome trait manifesting but either way, im at that cross juction between reality and dreams again.

So heirs, WHOEVER DESIGNED THE TELEVISION SCHEDULE OUGHT TO BE SHOT IN THE KNEES. LEAVING THE AUDIENCE HANGING WITH THE IMAGE OF TAN SOBBING HIS HEART OUT IS NOT GOOD.

DAMN ANGST BECOS OF THAT COS HE'S SO SAD.

Then, i decided to take courage for what i have done. No point in pushing cause it has to be somewhere.
Running is easy, hiding is even easier but i wont. Not anymore.

I cant make it right, its not my place to do so. What i can do, is to put it behind as a lesson that even a 16 year old kid would've known.

Home is where the heart is, and where the heart isnt, all isnt.