Wanted to blog today, but I don't have enough time and I'm really tired.

I shouldnt even start this cause my brains kinda not workin that normally now.

So easily irritated nowadays. Gotta learn not to. Fruitful but tiring day today, then tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I'm tired of dropping stuff and I'm tired of getting invisible bruises.

Been sleeping so late this few days, feels like i wanna get most of everyday before i leave. Kinda like 2 am, then i'll wake up at 9 or 10. A miracle for me.

Today was physically torturing. Feel so fat, so we girls went for a hike. Guess where did we go? A place with Moons ( joke by Elaine) HAHAHA. Black beach, which is kinda like a nude beach. Surprise surprise, all the people there are old men LOL

It was so friggin steep and long hike up and down. The beach was stunning, and the wind was blowing like it's free. You could see the sand flying around like being in a sandstorm or a desert. & we saw people surfing. Which was really cool.

It was fun.

Then when we got back, i feel so psyched up, that i went for a run, in shirt and tracks, and the wind was so chilly. It's supposed to rain and supposedly to be a thunderstorm. Bull. Ran 4 rounds around the neighbourhood, which is crazily big with the wind. Took friggin 30 minutes. Then for a cool down walk with bear around, which is another 15 minutes. Now my legs feel so weak.

Ate so much for dinner at Gateway. Starters: Salad Bar, & bread.
Entree: Pot Roast & Roast Chicken. Got half of each :D
Clam Chowder

Hot Chocolate
Strawberry with chocolate topping.

Seriously? I shouldn't have made myself run so much & just stop myself from stuffing myself silly at dinner. But i dont resist food ._.

Bill and Helen was pretty cheerful at dinner today. Not that grumpy. Helen was being so sweet. And Bill is just bill. Smiley, charming and huggy. HAHAHA.

Even if it's not because of what i've promised, I thank You. For a second shot. If whatever happened this 3 months was some kind of test, i hope i passed it. And i hope she can get even better. For now, that's enough.

I give you all that i can. It felt like it, that's why i did what i did. Stay safe and healthy.

I can't ever be that girl. That girl who can't be strong. It's something I'll never learn.

Painful memories are the ones all people kept, closet to their heart. Even though it hurts, something in it makes it worth it. Because its precious, it hurts when it's no longer there.

You deem if it's worth it.

Watched Koizora again after telling ryoko about it. It feels different cause I understood more and questioned more.

To be able to be not strong is a blessing. But if you're so used to being strong, it just feels weird.

I don't know what went wrong, something feels off. Probably it's for the better.

And i'm still to get an idea. it's getting clearer.

Anyway, cheated momma about my results today & she fell for it. HAHAHAHA. Then she promised me to get a dog. Nothing to do with my results. She's impressed at how much bear loves me. Bear was so ridiculously cute today when i just went over and whispered his name, and he just rolled over putting his paws in the air. Feeling happy today.


My lifelong dream is coming true. Already jinxing it by blogging 'bout it, but i trust my momma not to disappoint/ bluff me.

Gonna start thinking of pet names now. Hmmm. If it's a girl, maybe Hope? Sounds so cute. But then it'll be like hopieeeee. Which is weird. Momma wants to get a golden retrieve which i dont minddddddddddddddddd. :D Luv big and small dogs. But small dogs i can carry. Big dogs i can't even move them :(


Had a really long talk w SY last night, about some stuff. And boy, you really do pissed me off. Wasn't big on talking to you today, but i felt bad for not. After all, you did helped us alot. I just didnt like the way you handled yourself and people sometimes. So that's life and all i could do is to minimise any friction.

Sometimes i dont think i handle stuff well too. When i'm tired, when i'm sensitive when i just don't give a shit.

I dont see what matters most, when nothing seems to last. What is forever?

It's gonna rain throughout from Sat to Mon. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Today was St Patrick's day. Got pinched cause i didn't wear green. Jeannette was like you must be not wearing green cause you wanna get pinched. LOL

Did a little shopping in the morning at Fashion V, bought the stuff needed. it was raining and the shopping mall was out in the open. Don't like it when people takes it for granted. Not speaking doesnt mean i'm not listening.

Went back, had dinner with them. It was warm, and cosy. That's what family should be like. The smiles. I felt it, did you? It doesnt matter if you did anyway.

Was banking on going to the ocean today. It feels really good, the sea could cheer anyone up. I missed it already. Please dont rain the whole day tomorrow.

I really dont know why and how i let my hopes rise. I'm tired of being disappointed.

No one really understands. Fixing it proving that it can be fix. Proving that i can fix the broken. But in reality i can't. Was so happy, so excited, so nervous, so disappointed. I prayed, i wished, i hoped. I'm still crushed.

I don't wanna give up, but i don't wish to be broken everytime i fail.

I said i will and i will.

Κάθισα, και αφήστε την πτώση δακρύων. Δεν μπορεί να βοηθήσει Αισθανόμουν άχρηστος, δεν μπορεί να βοηθήσει το αίσθημα είμαι τόσο μόνος σε αυτόν τον κόσμο. Λοξοτομήστε σκέψης βοήθεια .. Κανείς δεν είναι gonna καταλάβει, κανείς δεν θα βοηθήσει. Ούτε καν ο Θεός.

Realised i've been more honest in this blog then with myself.

Powerpoint's done, really mad happy cause i won't have to do ver the weekend.

There's no room for regrets. You can make mistakes, learn from it, but never regret it. Cause you cant chase back time lost, you cant make up for youth wasted.

I never liked to make mistakes.

Do it well, do it good, make you proud. Today was a bad day. That at least, i'll be honest. When i'm tired of being sad, i don't think. I let things be. Someday, one way or another, things will right itself again. Why, when life has so much to offer, and there you are, being sad and alone.

Suck it up, push forward.

Gonna have potluck next tues. Making spinach quiche, wish me luck. But so far my cooking's pretty decent, at least for my own taste. Probably cause i threw in whatever i like, cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Been cooking lunch frequently like everyday. Every morning i randomly throw stuff in making sure i have meat and vegs and carbo. LOL. Miso mac with brocolli, tomato sauce w beef mac ( i know, i cheated, i got elaine's tomato sauce ), spam, mushroom soup with breadcrumbs, salad, mashed buttered potatos with egg. Didnt get to prepare the Enoki mushroom wrapped with bacon, cause i'm lazy, and just threw it into the boiling water. I like the stuff i cook cause i like what i put in it. Heeehee.

& we're gonna have dimsum next next week, and just had brazilian food last week. God, colin really likes food. The brazilian meat buffet was pretty decent.

I should really get down to cooking up my powerpoint slides. It's just soo complicated. Epithelial mesenchymal transition, snail, slug, NFkB. Just to scare you guys Nucleus factor kappa light chain enhancer of activated B cells. But it's just a protein. ._.

alright byeeee

BOOM SHAKALAKA. <3

My thoughts are still scrambled, and i don't really wanna make sense of it til i'm ready cause i dont wanna fall in again.

I'm not ready for it yet. I don't wanna think. I don't wanna admit it.

Anyway, something really funny happened today. Two anyway. Went to Ralphs today and realised i forgot to bring the receipt. -.- So i shopped around village square and went back ._. Was thinking oh no, did i left my wallet at school, then i found it, and i'm like wah thank god.. & in the end the receipt is not even in it.

I overslept like mad, woke up exactly one hour later by my internal alarm, which really shows it works.
Tuanlin threatened to fail/fire me. *Flips hair* HAHAHAH. I'm just kidding. Did mundane stuff again, not that, but i did IHC. Again, it's half here nor there, but i don't wanna talk about it.

Then when i was showering today, i saw a spider crawling towards/ clawing at some beetle or some sort of insect stuck in its web, and i had a major freak out. LOL. I know, i still observed it closely but my mind went, THE HECK. DAMN. @&#^*%&&^#@$^&!. With a toothbrush lodged in my mouth for i was trying to brush my teeth, i wrapped a towel around me and screamed for help. HAHAHA. Actually i just opened the door and gestured to sy, and say spider. She said she heard tiger, but she came anyway.

Heroine for the day <3

Two things i really wished it happen, but i knew neither would. Jinxing it so it wouldn't, jinxing it so i wouldn't hope anymore.

when i say i want that.

Thought i would be ready for it, but some quotes made me think. I know i idealized the situation too much, and it may not lead to the ending i would like it to. But i do go into a situation when i fully know what it entails.

What if there's not enough time for a lifetime?

Funny how i'm thinking & twilight seemed to mirror some of my thoughts.

Thoughts are jumbled up in my brain & i dont know what to think, or feel.

Life has no time for regrets.

Had a pretty good day today, and maybe this was what i needed. I could really get use to life like this. Lazing on a saturday, going down to the beach with the kayaks, dunking in having swim (not me, i just capsized near the shore), then driving back in the cold and jumping into the jacuzzi.

I mean it. Like Brookie says she misses home, and the sea. I get it why. When you grew up next to one, it takes an awful lot to leave it.

It was not as amazing as it sounds, cause we didnt see any dolphins, leopard sharks, or anything cool. But there's no lifejacket, and believe me, it took me 13098190347139 ounces of courage to get into the kayak and move out.

Was telling riley i dont think i will capsize, right? & he said i cant really garrantee it for sure, so seriously that it made me laugh. So i said you should've said i wouldnt so i would try it out. But he was nice to come back to accompany me, and asked if i would like to try it. So i did. & i'm glad i did. It wasnt cool that my slippers kept getting stuck and it was so embarrassing cause he was right in front. & in the end he just told me to get inside and he'll pull me out so he got all wet in the cold. IT WAS FREEZING, 50FAHRENHEIT?

Then i went out and it was so good, cause the water is choppy and the waves are big and it's thrilling when the waves come not knowing if you would capsize. Course for my sake i hope i dont cos apparently there's no lifejacket and i dont swim -.-

Then Jack and riley was like HI OMG YOU'RE THEREEEEEE. and kept shouting advices and encouragement that i could really hear. Riley was telling me to straighten out and paddle hard so waves dont capsize me.

But.. i did. Right when i was reaching the shore. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.
cause jack and riley was right in front. i was waving and smiling then bam, scream and i went under. It was so nice of ril to run over and keep saying like i gotcha, you okay? and picked up my many stuff like slippers and towel. for the heck to clean myself and it got wet before me. BUT IT WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING AND I KEPT SAYING I'M GOOD. -.- So we went back, took photo, and something happened that made me laugh like a hyena. HAHAHHAHAHHA. Sweet memories & we went into the jaz. & then the cold pool. Freezing. Suntanned for alil while before washing up & cooking some late lunch while watching Aztecs.

Played the finals and though our guys didnt win, it was a good game nevertheless and they were tired from 3 consecutive games. Someone was pretty upset.

But the aztecs have some nice moves and awesome teamwork. Lousy defence though. Tough.

Abrupt end cause i'm still doing laundry for an hour now while watching Big Bang's comeback. ;') LOVE THEM FOR THEIR OWN STYLE ON STAGE MAKING FUN MUSIC.

Because I had to, I dealt with it. Not pretty, not comfortable, but not miserable.

Let it go, let it be, move ahead. I could choose if I want to be a recluse for the rest of my days or I would use it to the fullest and atone for it later.

I can't hate myself, yet. Everytime I close my eyes I think of it, think of what would happen if I didn't. But guess what, it did, and I can't do anything but to rectify it.

Healed by the people whom may or may not know, cause or alleviate it, actions or words.

I'll take what I can get now. Like a toddler, awkward fumbling, but facing.

It's amazing how you thought it couldn't get any worse but life still thinks you're happy and ban, there you are, even lower you could ever imagine.


Peopl always say don't be afraid to hot the bottom, cause then the only way is up. I wasn't. But what if, you never ever did? You just fall and fall.

It's worse to keep falling, and because youre a stupid hopeless dreamer, you dream, you hope, you get yourself up, then you fall down again, hard.

Stuck in that miserable state.

I wish I could reach the bottom soon. Bad things seemed to happen faster than I could deal with. It's waning me and my stamina, my faith and my heart.

when I thought things were bad yesterday, what happened today, made yesterday seemed like a dream.

Been so long since I broke down and never right in front of anyone. Tonight under stars, I spilled.

I hurt yesterday not because of things that happened, but because of things that didn't happen. Because i cared too much for my own sake when I shouldn't and because I always believed in people.
I keep saying I shouldn't but I still do.

Behind a heartless person, lies a heart which once cared too much.

I'm afraid I couldn't stop. What happens when your battered heart can't take it anymore but a foolish kid whom lives inside still believes? Who still tries and still loves?

I can feel it. The cold that came. The silence that I lapsed into.

I don't feel anything. I don't hate it and I don't like it. It's like I'm numb. Like how I don't feel the tears falling.

& death surrounds. I cried for the dog I once knew, for the friend who i know loves him so much, for the family, and for me. Cause I know people and animals will leave one day.

I cried for her who lost her mum, who tries to stay strong for the one in her, who can't visit her mum cause she's one.

Crap happens in life, but why?

Don't bother trying to reach, cause you'll never find me. The one that escaped into the abyss.

Please wait til she walks out of it, herself.

I dont know if it's just me, but i've been having shitluck all of my life. Already am so upset and not happy today and this is the last straw. I should really just bang my head against the wall and just die. Fuck.

Wants to rant so much.

I cant say it out, i cant share it i dont know how. sometimes there are just no words to describe what you feel and i was feeling that way. Maybe my subconscious knows me better than i do. I keep it in and i feel like exploding.

& then more. I fking hate me. Cant do anything right and now doing everything wrong. Why? I need a fairy godmother. I need a time travelling machine. I need to go back in time to undo the things i know i couldve done right. I need my wishes made at 11.11 to come true.

But none of it ever does and all life gives me is shit. I've been dealing with a hell lot more than anyone knows or understands but apparently that's not enough and it has to happen again. I know it's all my fault. And i'll fix it, even suffering. I will.

Hiya!

I'm so bloated today, cause it's Jamora's Lab Happy Hour Friday! Finally! And ours is the last one, so went over to farmer's market & costco to pick up some stuff for the snacks!

Prepared Lettuce wraps with shredded roasted costco chicken completed with rice and sesame sticks, croissants, Tortilla chips and salsa!!!!!!

As i walked through Costco, suddenly can't bear to leave the food here. It's like heaven to me, burritos, tortillas, chips salsa, jalapenos, pita bread, clam chowder(can't believe i used to eeeew at its taste), having spag, hotdog bun, pizza, lasagna, hamburger, steak :(, potatos, carrots, salads, ranch dressing, all sorts of dressings, oh and quesadillas, I LOVE IT MAX. Oh we had foccacias the other day and i love it. And their mad craze of everything cheesey and hamey or baconey, which are all my favourites.

I'm good with chinese, but if you really had to compare, i really think i love the food here a whole lot more :( And it's so easy to prepare, i mean, with a microwave, you could practically cook ANYTHING. Without getting yourself oily and smelly. Heat up some sweet potato fries which taste great and healthy. Then probably pan heat some pita bread, and roast some hotdogs, wash some vegs and get some dressing, tada! NO OIL NO SMELL. PROTEIN, CARBO, VITAMINS, FIBRE CHECK! Dinner's ready! Unlike chinese, you spend hours and hours of cooking and all sorts of spices.

So went back, and i couldn't help with the preparation cause i gotta tie up some loose ends of experiment since Tl is not around. But i was like Omg, can the time go faster so i can wash with PBS and go shred the chicken, WHILE EATING IT. But then the girls are already done with it, so i helped Siavash to cut the cataloupe. He was cutting it in all the weird shapes cause he wants it to be desperately thin. ._. So when i helped, it's like gigantic, and he went, OMG, i can't see it, it's too thick. Then i sliced into thinner pieces and he's like ah that feels better. =.=

Then everyone's looking at me, thinking we're going to have another accident, cause i usually drop stuff ( REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY). But it was fun considering the chance to chitchatlaugh with the other people from the labbbb. Volunteers and masters students :x

Anyway, i'm so lag for all my blogpost cause i havent finish on San Fran, and not to mention L.A and Seaworld, now guess what, i'm off to wild safari park tomorrow and dinner at Susan's house, before going to Disneyland and SoCal park on sunday and staying there til monday! Self declared day off! :)

Kay i should go finish up on my.. Salamander Guru and the Gang. Starring.. Mr Choi. :)

I'm done with my logbook yay!