Finally ready to spill. I got it all out.

Hell of a week and hell in its each and every of its sense. But its over now and i'm so proud that i pulled through.
Sidetrack, i wonder ever if one day i reread this post, would i still remember what i was talking about? Cause i was scrolling through all the old verbal diarrheas and some i do, but some i only have a slight inkling and not to mention all those cryptic words. I surprise myself sometimes.

When words come, words come. Just exactly like diarrhea. Not the best of analogies but it'll do.

Been so critical, partially explaining the hell of a week. On myself or others, even to mummy.

I have to keep reminding myself that Home is where the heart is, and where the heart isnt, all isnt.

I get so caught up in my dark abyss that everything i absorb is dark, and scary. But a text from mummy reminds me that love is always there. Sometimes you cant see it, but you can feel it. Or sometimes if you cant feel it, remind yourself that it'll be there. A mother's love is the greatest love of all.

Missing out on so much, so so much that sometimes i wonder if its worth it. And the more i wonder, the more im certain that its not.

Its not, because to me, future dont mean a thing. I cant regret cause it was my decision and my choice, solely mine. I wanted to, fine because of some external factors which i can still vividly remember til now, but just to help my own memory next time, im competitive. And i like to be right. Whoever said i cant, i can and ill show them. Its not anything nice to even remember im sure, but today, this is one thing that keeps me going.

The next thing is to be able to help, but in this case now, i dont see how its helping. I still stronglyy believe in my stand that studying narrows someones sight so so much. Im a victim of that.

Im learning new things everyday, sometimes less
 Cause.. honestly i lack the determination to 1) go for classes, 2) self study.

But then again its not as if you gained much from studying. There is a reason why im breezing through all the practicals and observation visits.
But yes la, you do need some of the background information which i think i might be lacking in some.

Then after studying, the tests come in. That is where my nature/Achilles heels. Sigh im so competitive and that narrows my vision so damn much. And it always happens in midsem cause the transition from a holiday mood to mugfest is too huge. Theres such a huge contrast of of my holiday and mugfest that its so hard to find a bridge to connect the two. But im gonna try and im gonna try harder. I cant say to enjoy less during the holidays cos that would make the holidays unholiday but the next holiday would be a 3mth one. I need to find something worthwhile to do. Spending time with my family definitely is worthwhile but i need to find something else to occupy me. Im sure something will come up by then.

But all in all, im really glad this week is over, and though everything did not work out as id like it, things will be the way it should be soon. It always will be. And so i will, mote it be.

The clouds are clearing cause i see so much better now. Nearly melted, but staying strong, strong enough.