Am sad am sad am sad.

Its a new year but somehow nothing goes according to plan. Then again, when did life ever does?

That doesnt stop me from feeling sad, because i always told myself the results didnt matter when you have done your best.
Even when i faltered and questioned, what if my best wasnt enough, i still found back the faith and continued.

This time round, i didnt do my best. The superficial reason was i didnt have time. But thats crap and bullshit, cause i also always said everyone has time. You csn squeeze it, find it or dig it out, but you make time for something you deemed as worthwhile.
Then it all came down to me, csuse ultimately the reason was i didnt know what i wanted. I didnt wanna know then, since it wasnt important. I knew it was a possible clause, but then there were so many obstacles that made me question myself. So what changed? Minds changed and opened up. Hearts were prepared.
I cant say when i sent it out i sent it with confidence and satisfaction becsuse in actual fact, i didnt.

One doesnt procrastinate something when its so damn important to one self. I did. For two whole weeks.

If i werent that wishy washy, if i knew to just go for it and live the moment.

Then lastly, i was too bigheaded. I thought it didnt matter but it did.

So now.. i truly truly am.. i dont know.
I dont wanna say regret cause in my life i dont wanna leave any regrets.

Maybe in a few days i would find a brightside to this and let it be a stepping stone. Let that few days come sooner than i hoped it would.