A year ago, I was settling down into my new routine. Waking up, mad rush in the chilly morning, greeting jack with his morning paper and coffee w soya milk, making breakfast consisting of toast and soya milk, while getting ready lunch. Having breakfast while chatting with jack or in companionable silence reading the papers. Then leaving for lab and jack helping me to shut the garage doors. Cycling in the freezing breeze waking me up and seeing how fast i could reach the lab. Apparently if the traffic is good I could reach in 8minutes.

At the lab, following up on our project, tissue culture in the morning, if the cells aren't ready, then probably do section ing and staining. The worst is to collect fresh specimen. I grew to love western blot. Being in the dark room seeing my bands formed. I grew to love everything there. Looking out the window, at the people
Wind sailing, at the beautiful beach.

Then after calling it a day, cycling home early, catching the sunset behind the rows of houses down the hill. Chatting with Elaine, helping with dinner, talking about our day. Sometimes ril and jack would join in. Then walking bear as he grew restless. My bear. Walking down the street, talking to bear, enjoying the silent breeze.

Then sy would be back, and we would set the table, and have dinner with chitchats.
Passing around second servings, ranch or some other sauce, the salad or whatever. After dinner, sometimes we would have ice cream. Then loading the dishwasher, if we had steak, the plates will be licked clean by bear. While sy and jack had the usual pingpong match, I would do the rest of the dishes with Elaine.

Then if it was a Monday night, we would camp in front of the tv waiting for alcatraz or tues, the river.

And these are only part of the memories there.

I was right, leaving when you know you're never gonna come back, is so much harder.

I have so many unfinished stuff. I'm never gonna walk the same street again. I'm not gonna sit down at that table for dinner again. I'm neever gonna walk bear again. He knew, I'm leaving. He slept outside my door on the last night.

Thank you.

And as I was walking home tonight, I don't know what do i feel. I feel like I'm walking on such a bloody thin line. Strung up.

Don't ask me questions I don't have answers to. I don't know how to leave. I don't know how to not care. I don't know if i should. When the time comes, would you let me fly?

It wasnt that I don't, I just don't show it.

Bloody affected cause you're important, and because I can't do anything to help.

Lookin back, the exact same spot you stood. I said goodbye. I wont make the same mistake again.

So many things weighing down. Upset upset upset.