I'm touched, really i am. It's not everyday i'm offered. You knew it would be hard, yet you did it.

Sometimes, i wonder. What did i actually do, to deserve all these.
Being really honest, somehow i just feel, that it's all not right. It's just not there. I'll go with my instinct as i've always done. But would i regret it this time?
I hope i dont. It's too much of a risk.

Stayed at home instead of meeting up with clique @jane's house, cause mommy's quite pissed at me for going out so frequently. In fact, according to her, it's everyday. But honestly, if not now, then when? Read for the whole day, gives me a headache though. But enjoyed myself thoroughly. It's almost as good as spending the day out. I can never understand, why some people turn away from books. Well, they give me a whole new world for my own imagination. Oh, what will i do, to be able to create something that magical. Knowing me, i won't. I'm too afraid of the setbacks. Sigh.

Oh, but i've almost forgotten how good the circle trilogy is. How love ties in seamlessly with the plot. Love irish, gaelic, and anything that has gotta do with Eire. i've almost forgotten that i wanted to name my son, Cian, cause despite everything that happened to him, he's got enough of love in him to overlook it, and help those who were supposedly against him.


Drifting drifting along. Are we all drifting along with life? Another holiday's gonna passed by really soon. I promised myself i'd work hard this sem. Nearly fainted when i saw the modules. But i know i'd hate myself before the sem ends again.
Either way, i lose.

Somehow, some way or another, i dont feel contented. I think i'm bloody fickle. Some days, all i want to do is just to set up a cosy nice lil tea shop, filled with books and aroma. I dont have to give a damn about anything. There'll be peace, contentment, and maybe love. No hurt, no disappointment, nothing. But then on other days, i feel so restricted when i have to do the same routine again and again, repeatedly. I have the need to go out, and have a fall, to travel and experience. TO love and be hurt, to experience joy beyond words, and to cry beyond comfort. So what the hell do i want?

And i'll have to bear in mind, it won't be only me, other factors counts. Is this why life's supposed to be complicated?

Heard mommy and gran talked about studies, yes again. Bro's thinking of going aussie with me, if i am going there. But mommy's apprehensive bout it, cos she's not so sure if bro's serious about the learning, or just going for the ride. As we all know my brother, he ain't one to stick, for long, at least to studying and books related stuff. It's gonna be a heavy burden, if both of us's there. I hate it when gran thinks that i'm not doing well now, esp in poly. I hate it when she brings up my cousins, who's in Jc, uni, and studying medicine or whatever. Does it all really matter?


And i absolutely hated it, when she uses the tone, that i'm not using my brain, and not thinking. Not thinking of everyone, and that i should. I know, and i did. And trying to tell me what to do. Sorry, there's alot you could tell me, but never what to do.

it's annoying, and maybe just hurt alil, cos she'll never bring it up with bro. In her world, he's entitled to everything. I dont blame her for that, and never will. But dont ever try to tell me what to do.

So i said, with lil more than spit, to her this morning. No matter how lousy i'm doing now, i'll still be much better than bro.

When she fell silent, i felt really bad. Then i gotta accept sometimes's life's really unfair.

When i aimed and shoot, dont expect me to miss, cause i never. It applies for both, be it words or life. i rarely say any hurting, but if i do, it'd be right to the heart. And then i'll hate myself, which i had enough of it in the past. It's a bloody good thing i forget things fast, and is generally cheerful. Which also reminds me of another issue. How could you ever missed, if you've got an aim?

i dont. And i've seen examples of failures much, close. Determination is one thing, if you dont use it to spur you, and not working for it. Saying failure aint an option, without working hard, is not gonna promise you success. Then you fail, that's when your whole world topples, you lose control, and lose what you've been striving for all along.

I havent got an inkling what i'm going to do after O's. All i know is, for that period of my life, i aim, i shoot and i score. ASS, that's what i've drilled into myself. And i got it, a score less than 10. I havent set one for poly life, cos i've been too overwhelmed.

Bottom line is i don't like being restricted, nor being told what to do. Let me figure out on my own. I've been doing that for so long already.