Sometimes i'm really glad that my blog is private. Because at times i don't know how to really communicate with others, and by writing it down, i guess i see the situation clearer and it actually helps calm me down.

I am calm now, because of the time spend away from those thoughts. But seriously, i don't understand. Why at any point of time someone, anyone, will expect me to change because of some bluddy friends i make? Am i a person that has no mindset of her own or whatsoever? Please, think. If i don't, what will happen, would happen 4 years ago. No point changing because I changed school. It doesn't work that way for me. I am sensible. Please, believe in me.

I don't wish to say it. But the thought that was running through my mind just now was
Fuck.My.Life.

I won't change, not the worse. And i really need people to believe in me. I don't wish to lose myself, i'm slowly finding me. I need people around me to remind me who i am. I get comments like, Oh, i've known you for 5 years, and seriously you haven't change. Haven't i? Do you see me and think that way? Perhaps around you guys i haven't. Deep inside me, i changed. I wouldn't say i'm not as happy as before. Let's put it this way. I don't have everything under control anymore. And i find it hard to control everything by myself. Suddenly nothing seemed to go my way. Suddenly, everything seemed to be changing. And suddenly, it seemed freaking hard to control everything.

So i told myself, let go. It's okay. I was just trying to release the hold on myself before all hell break loose. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Me and my rantings.

I actually have another blog post not up yet. But this seemed more like my feelings. There's more actually, but i'll blog them up when it's time for them to erupt.


Trust is just like a mirror, once you break it, no matter how hard you try to fix it, it can never be the same.